Woeful Weddings (with Toddlers)

Woeful Weddings (with Toddlers)

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of attending a good friend's wedding. The whole day. At a lovely venue with great weather and great food. Glorious.


Only it turns out our toddler is not a big fan of weddings. He doesn’t like sitting down for longer than two minutes, or eating actual food (not confectionery), or talking at any volume less than shouting.


During the vows, he shouted 'Farty Pants!' and 'WHERE'S THE WEDDING?' Hubby had to remove him and missed the actual wedding.


During the amazing sit-down meal he ran between posh tables hitting strangers with his balloon sword. (I'm blaming the magician/balloon man for this one, what's wrong with making a giraffe?)


During the speeches, he reached Toddler Boiling Point and started whinging at a concerning volume. I had to remove him for a Time Out. I missed the speeches.


And throughout all of this, at least once every ten minutes he declared 'I need a wee!' and 'I need a poo' which obviously we took seriously. And on almost all of those occasions he didn't need anything. Except a thick ear.


He didn't want to be in the photos. 

He demanded ketchup for his meal and wiped it on the sleeve of his Dad's new shirt. 

He cried when we refused to let him have a second bag of sweets. 

And twice he escaped onto the roof terrace to 'hide.'


If this is how annoying we found our own child throughout the day, I can only imagine how irritating he was to others. Particularly to the poor unsuspecting guests without children who I’m sure simply cannot fathom the impossibility of making your children behave.


We were those childless people attending weddings a few years ago and my word, they were happy times. It is fair to say that disrupted speeches, drowned out vows and a smack in the face from a ketchup covered balloon terrorist would have been our worst nightmare. Of course, this still is our worst nightmare. But now we are committed. And responsible.


So, you see, I was quite looking forward to attending said function as our family unit. Henry can be so charming. He had a nice shirt on. But realistically, had we wanted to enjoy the day, we should have got a babysitter. 


Next time I think I will get a babysitter, sit peacefully drinking the free fizz and if the mood takes me shoot disapproving glances at the unruly children causing noise disturbance (just kidding, they'll have my full sympathy).


I don't care if that is not the done thing. It is, without a doubt, the kindest of outcomes for all parties involved. Unless you have a cooperative toddler - in which case, you could take yours along as a beacon of hope and tut at the disgraceful behaviour of children like mine.



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The Unmumsy Mum